Slowing Down

On Monday I wrote about the worst kind of loneliness, business. We live in a world that encourages us to be busy and we teach it to our kids. Don't forget, Kids (Including teens) want quality times with their parents. I talk to a lot of kids that by their Junior and Senior High years they ae just flat wore out and have lost interest in the things they used to love.

Parents are the number one influence on their children. Your kids look to you for lessons in life that have to do with business, relationships, commitments, convictions, and spirituality. I know that is scarey, but it is true.

One way you can slow down, improve relationships with your kids, and help them grow spiritually while you grow spiritually is by being obedient to one of the commandments, "Keep the Sabbath Holy." Develop a day of rest, the best possible, and make it a day to focus on God and family.

Here are some excerpts from an article in ChristianParentingToday.Com. The article is entititled: "Keepin' It Holy". Click on the title and read the entire article.

Like most of parenting, Sabbath-keeping is a matter of modeling right behavior for our kids. Parents who discipline themselves to slow down, rest, and go to church one day a week will help their kids most of all. Keeping Sabbath with your family is not forcing an arbitrary "should" or "must" on your kids; it's helping them meet a deep human need.

In our frantic, frenetic society, where first-graders are in football leagues and children carry PDAs and Day-Timers to keep up with elementary- school extracurriculars, we need to "remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy" (Exodus 20:8) more than ever. But do we? Most of us recognize those words from the Ten Commandments, but we don't know how, or even if, they apply to us today.

"Our culture sends us the opposite message—if you're not frantically on top of everything, belonging to every imaginable club, and working all the time, you will be unhappy and unsuccessful," says Yust. There is real power, she adds, in taking a rest. Sabbath helps us learn that God is in charge, and Sabbath observance teaches us that taking a break is good. It's one way to say to your kids, "You will get into college even if you don't have that eighth extracurricular activity on your application."

Instead of making Sundays primarily a time when one can't work (or, as was the rule in my grandmother's house, can't go to the movies), make Sunday afternoon a family time for all those restful, enriching activities you never have time for during the week. In an age when many families don't eat breakfast or dinner together, make Sunday a time of a regular family meal, even if it's just a simple post-church BLT. At my church, several families and friends gather together for regular Saturday night meals: special, leisurely dinners that usher in the Sabbath.

But the Sabbath isn't only about family time. There should also be elements of Sabbath observance that draw the family's attention to God—attending church together, of course, is a good starting point.

Sabbath, after all, is very counter-cultural. It's a godly way of challenging many false assumptions that govern our broader culture. As Dorothy Bass says, "Sabbath-keeping forms habits of cultural resistance around pressure-points that are at the heart of our culture's distress: consumerism, time-famine, family fragmentation." For Bass, "decommericalizing the Sabbath is a key thing. I realized I needed to stop shopping on the Sabbath because shopping was one place where my own sin and the culture's need intersected. I was finding myself sitting in church thinking about getting a new piece of furniture rather than being properly attentive to God!"

though it can be tempting to use soccer as an excuse for avoiding the discipline of Sabbath. One solution, of course, is to declare Saturday your family Sabbath—beginning Saturday morning and concluding with church Sunday morning, well before the soccer game.

It's also important not to be legalistic. Maybe your family heads to the soccer field after a Sabbath lunch together. Playing sports—and watching kids play—can be relaxing and joyful, after all.

Parents can help their children seek employment at businesses that will honor the family's Sabbath practices.

The Worst Kind of Lonely - Busyness

On my personal blog - Through His Eyes - I wrote last week how it felt good watching Little House on the Prairie reruns on TV land and the simple life the Engles lived. We have created a culture of busyness and although we and our children are experiencing way more today than people did one hundred or even fifty years ago, it is at the expense of relationships.

God created us as relational beings. We are most healthy when we are in community with God and other people. So who do you think is most happy with our culture of busyness, God or our arch enemy , the devil? Who do you think is most proud of all of our many activities, God or you know who?

Here is how life in this world that is being patrolled by the "thief who is only here to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10:10) is messed up. Anything God blesses us with to make life better and more full, the thief wants to turn into something that will kill us, or separate us from God and each other. Some examples: Sex, Money, Internet, things we are passionate about, kids activities, experiences.

Anything we put in front of God is an idol, or sinful. This includes believing that it is more important that our kids have experiences than relationships. A busy life pulls us way from God and people. Talks while running from one event to another while cramming down some Mickey Dees are not community. And the ones that I believe who suffer the most, are the ones we are trying to give the most, our kids.

Our busy lives keep our kids away from dinners with families, quiet conversations about life, important mentoring relationships with their parents, close friendships with other kids, times when we are not exhausted, church on Sundays, and many other relationship building times. Besides the financial costs of our experiences, the relational costs are huge. Research shows that kids today are lonely, and it is the worst kind of lonely. They are not lonely because they have no parents or friends. They are lonely while surrounded by people. They are too busy.

Parents please look: Teens surveyed today say what they would like to have most in their lives is relationships with adults, especially their parents. More relationships and less experiences or stuff.

It is not because parents who want their kids to experience everything life has to offer are mean and purposefully trying to hurt their kids. It is because as with everything else we put in front of God, the thief has convinced us they are best.

So, now what? Slow down. Lighten your family load. The feature article this week at Homeword.com is Tips for Lightening You Family's Load, by Jim Burns, Ph.D. Click on the article title and check it out.

A few of the tips are;

• learn to say no
• turn off the TV
• Ask what activities can we cut back
• Practice the art of living simply
• Plan free time in to your family's schedule

Replacing experiences with relationship building will make for healthier families and happier and healthier kids.

Serving you in Him

Royal

Violent Video Games Deaden the Heart

I have had several parents bring up the subject of violent video games and the question is, "Should I allow my child to have those games or not." My answer has always been not. I know from my studies as a counseling student and as an adjunct Psych. Professor, the studies show that our hearts and minds are molded by what we see and do.

I have had many parents tell me that they are harmless games and that my children know it is not real. It does not matter if they believe it is real or not, it still affects the heart and mind. When a parent gives a green light to video games their kids play or the videos they watch, via MTV and others, unknowingly or knowingly, parents are reinforcing and legitimizing the unrighteous or worldy development of a very moldable mind. (Is moldable a word? If it is not it should be.) Paraphrase from Romans 12, "You are what you eat, or you become what you consume, or where your treasure is, there your heart is also.

In the October issue of Christianity Today, the article Deadening the Heart addresses this issue. Below are excerpts from the article. Click on the article title to read it all.

Steve Johnson, author of Everything Bad is Good for You, says violent video games are good for children. He thinks that video games such as Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas may "function as a kind of safety valve—they let kids who would otherwise be doing violent things for the thrill of it, get out those kind of feelings sitting at home at a screen." Says Johnson: "This may have a deterrent effect on violence."

But the American Psychological Association thinks otherwise. Time spent playing violent video games "increases aggressive thoughts, aggressive behavior, and angry feelings among youth." Less than a week before the Ottawa Citizen reported Johnson's remarks, the professional society for psychologists acted on 20 years of research into the effects of violent video games. After a "special committee" reviewed more than 70 studies, the organization adopted a resolution calling for the "reduction of violence in interactive media used by children and adolescents."

APA scholars cited a study of eighth- and ninth-grade teachers. The teachers said that the students who spent time playing violent video games were more hostile than other children and more likely to argue with authority figures and fellow students. And according to another study of 600 eighth- and ninth-graders, students not normally prone to aggression are nearly 10 times as likely to get into a fight after playing a violent video game.

We support the APA resolution that asks educators to help students apply the same critical viewing skills to violent video games that can be applied to movies and television. This might be a way for youth leaders to engage their charges. Such media literacy programs not only reduce the negative effects of watching violent programming, they reduce the amount of time children watch television. The participatory nature of video games makes this critical-viewing strategy an especially difficult challenge, but outside of a complete ban on games that employ random violence (not politically possible), this is a good first step.

Don't forget, as parents you are the number one influence on your children. By the choices you make and what you decide is important to deal with or not, you influence your children one way or the other whether you want too or not.

First step. Sit down with your kid and look at all of his games. (Remember, you are what you eat.) If you filter them through the eyes of Christ or even just the eyes of a decent moral human being, you will be disgusted and will have no problem throwing them away. It is true. You cannot control what the play or do at a friend's house. But giving them the green light in your own home says, "I don't care." Don't let the world or the discomfort of putting your foot down be your guide. Let Jesus.

Your Partner in developing your kid into a healthy adult
Royal

Teens Think Oral Sex is Safe - (Wrong)

Oral sex has become very popular among teens. Teens believe that with oral sex they are not having real sex. They believe that oral sex is safe sex. It goes back to the old question asked by teens who pledge virginity till marriage. "How far can I go and still be ok, or a virgin?"

Parents need to familiarize themselves with the subject of oral sex and the subject needs to be disussed with your children. Studies show that teens are now contracting STDs more from oral sex than from intercourse. Oral sex is not safe sex. It is not safe physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

Parents, if you think you live in a nice suburb and this could not possibly be happening with your kid, "Wake Up." Buy a book on sex from a Christian Book Store and read it to or with your child. Don't just give him or her a book.

Here are some out takes from an MSNBC article, Survey: "Most teens have had oral sex - Parents, health care workers need to address risks, group says." Click on title for the complete article.

• findings from a new survey indicate that 54 percent of teenage girls and 55 percent of teenage boys have had oral sex
• oral sex is now more common among teens than sexual intercourse
• “But past reports were based on anecdote rather than fact. For the first time, we have some data that helps shed light on this subject.”
• Albert said that roughly 10,000 adolescents were included in the survey.
• The lowest rates of oral sex -- around 19 percent -- were for teens who cited religious or moral reasons for not having sexual intercourse. The highest rates -- around 38 percent -- were for teens who reported the time was not right for sexual intercourse.
• “For parents, I think these data show that conversations about sex need to be both broader and more specific,”
• “For healthcare providers, the implication is that we have to do a better job in getting messages to teens about the potential health risks of oral sex.”

Popular Movie - The Exorcism of Emily Rose

I have not seen the movie, but I have heard several students talking about a new exorcism/horror flick that has just come out. Here is a small out take from the article. You can click on the movie title below or on the post title above to read the entire article. The article does include reviews from other sources.

Christianity Today movie review says: The Exorcism of Emily Rose is rated PG-13 for thematic material, including intense/frightening sequences and disturbing images. The possession scenes include images of deformed human faces, dilated pupils, epileptic seizures, bleeding hands, and similar phenomena. There are also a few four-letter words.

"The movie is loosely based on the true story of Anneliese Michel, a German student who believed she was possessed by demons, and whose death during an attempted exorcism in the 1970s led to a court case in which two priests were convicted of negligent manslaughter. So the film—which changes numerous details, including the young woman's name—is essentially a courtroom drama in which lawyers and witnesses argue over what really happened to her."

1st Wed. Night Parent-Teen Connection Was Great

We have started a new ministry at our church. I am the Pastor/Student Pastor of Life Connection Church. We have been blessed over the past few years to grow a pretty strong student ministry, for a church our size, but I came to realize one day last year that our ministry could be much more effective if it became a family ministry. How do you do that you ask? You disciple the parents to mentor their children.

It hurt my feelings, but it made sense, to find out that surveys of teens say that Youth Pastors have very little effect on the day to day decision making and life decisions of students. In most surveys parents rank in the top two or three as far as influence goes and youth ministers rank down the scale a way.

Now don't get me wrong. Students do love their youth pastors, but how much impact can you make on a teen if you only get him for 1-2 hours a week. (On a good week)

When I talk to parents, they feel illequipped. Most parents have a hard time relating or listening to young youth pastors who have never had their own teen. And a single or young youth pastor with babies can not relate and gets very frustrated trying.

I realized that my situation is unique. God has given me a passion for descipling students and I have had two of my own who are now grown and very successful and healthy young adults. Before becoming a pastor I was a professional counselor doing mostly a marriage and family practice which gives me some expertise in this area also.

So, to make a long story no longer than it has to be. We have now started Parent-Teen Connection. We are currently meeting one (usually the first) Wednesday night a month. The students and parents both come to youth group. The parents have small group discussions, get to know other parents, and have a teaching time on subjects related to being a parent.

It is exciting. The parents seem as excited about getting together with other parents in the same boat as they do being taught to be more effective parents.

While the parents meet, the students have small group, food, worship, and a message.

Last night was a great success. Our parents reponded well and I am looking forward to feedback to make this the ministry they need.

Last night I taught from Jim Burns book, Parenting Teenagers for Positive Results. We looked at the first session called "Attitude is Everything." We compared kids and attitudes and learned that we as parents are the ones that have the most impact on the attitudes of our kids. As a matter of fact, we just went ahead and took responsibility last night.

Negative attitudes include: Apathy, Too-cool, Moody, Always-right, Grunts only and grown up. Can you relate. If you have a teen you can for sure relate and probably with more than one.

PTC is a ministry that is being molded to be much more in the future. I see it as a great outreach opportunity and a great way to improve family relationships and prepare our kids to be successful adults.

Teach Your Kids to Run

This is the only race worth running. I've run hard right to the finish, believed all the way. 8All that's left now is the shouting--God's applause! Depend on it, he's an honest judge. He'll do right not only by me, but by everyone eager for his coming. 2 Tim 4:7-8 (MSG)

Friday night was a tough night for the GHS football team. After preparing all week and believing in a win, they lost. It was not just a loss of one team being better than another team, as is with all losses with any team.

When you leave the field of play in any sport and you or your team is on the low end of the final score, you are haunted by every mistake. It is not just the real mistakes that bother you. It is also the mistakes that you as a player believe are mistakes just because they did not go the way you hoped.

It is hard on game night, in the heat of the moment, in the midst of the emotion, not to believe that what just happened is a major setback in your life that will be used to judge who you are.

It is hard to explain to a high school student, or a woman going through a divorce, or an executive that has just lost his job or been demoted, that “It’s not whether you win or lose, it is how you play the game.”

The question you ask at the end should not be how many screw ups did I have in this game or in this marriage, or in this job, or in this life. The question should be “Did I give it my all? Did I leave it all on the field? Did I fight the good fight? Was I running the right race?

Paul is telling us in his last days through a letter to his apprentice Timothy, “Make sure you are running the only race worth running. And make sure that when you cross the finish line you can say, “I gave it all I had for God.”

I remember the pain of going through losses with my children, and still doing so with my adult children. I remember that as I tried to be a wise dad (hopefully not a wise guy) and remind them of what was most important, it did not carry a lot of weight in the emotion of the moment.

Now I love hearing my kids talk about giving it their best. I love hearing them remember the good stuff and that they have forgotten the bad stuff that at the time seemed most important.

Wherever you are in life right now. No matter how much you think you have messed up to this point. You can start to run the good race. Run as an apprentice to Christ in the only race really worth running. And teach your children to run the right race. And the best way to teach them to run is for them to follow you.

Keep Running
Royal

Paradoxical State of Christian Colleges

Copyright © 2005 WORLD MagazineSeptember 10, 2005, Vol. 20, No. 35
(Left click on Title of post to read full story)


"When she asks her professors about the disconnect between what is going on in the classroom and the college's professed Christian identity, they tell her, "We are just trying to open your mind. That's what a college education is all about. Yes, we are Christians, but we have to challenge our incoming students' narrow fundamentalism in order to broaden their perspectives and make them well-educated." She marvels that these teachers don't seem to recognize that the ideologies they are so impressed with are far narrower than what the Bible teaches. After four years, she graduates, with an education that is little different from that of her friends who went to secular schools.

This scenario plays out over and over again, to the consternation of many students and their parents. As John Mark Reynolds, a professor and director of the honors program at Biola University, observes, "Many profs view their mission as helping poor, right-wing Christian children outgrow their parents' faith.'"

Are You Your Teens Mentor, or a Governor?

Do you remember how easy it was to parent your child when she thought you were God? When my kids were children they thought I could do everything and that I knew everything. My kids believed dad could speak any language, knew the lyrics to every song on the radio, and could protect them from every evil on the planet.

I am not really sure at what age I went from being all knowing and all powerful to brainless, but it seemed to happen somewhere around pre-teen. You know what I am talking about. Some of you are still trying to convince your teen you have not lost a step in the "being god" role.

As our children mature and develop a need to be independent self-thinkers, parenting becomes quite a challenge. Some parents back off and decide the easiest way to parent is the "don't ask don't tell method." While others just get louder and meaner to try and cover up their fall from omniscience and omnipotence. I have counseled many parents to start giving a little more rope. We look back at our own teen years and say, "No way! If I give him more rope he will just hang himself. I need to stay in control for his own good."
Control or governing our kids is a natural human tendency for most. As stewards of God's kids, which is what we are, our role is to be more of a mentor than a governor. We are to mentor our teens in to adulthood and help them become healthy adults emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

In the book Lead Your Teen to a Lifelong Faith, edited by White and Weidman, a great comparison is made between governing and mentoring your teen.

Governor: (G) You tend to fight your teens battles for him.
Mentoring: (M) You try to arm him`with the weapons of truth and character to face his own
foes.

(G) You try to control your teen's choices
(M) You give her the facts she needs to make her own decisions

(G) You tend to pretend that your teen has not grown.
(M) You watch for milestones that show he's ready for more independence

(G) You only give advice about the future.
(M) You try to help him deal with his fears about the future.

(G) You tend to lecture out of frustration.
(M) You try to offer motivation and inspiration when she's open to it.

(G) You tend to deal only with crises of the moment.
(M) You try to plant values that will be useful to him later.

(G) You pressure your teen to conform outwardly to your expectations.
(M) You try to help her be transformed inwardly through personal interaction with God.

I think the hardest thing about mentoring, as opposed to governing, is trust.

Here is the hard part. I know your thinking it is about trusting your teen, but it is much more than that and really easier than that at the same time. It is about trusting God.

It is hard to trust a teen. You have no clue where he is coming from at any time.

You can always trust God. Besides, it's His kid.

Serving with you in Him
Royal

Study Shows Sexually Active Young Teens

Taken from http://daedream05.blogspot.com/2005/09/abstinence-notes.html

14 & Younger: The Sexual Behavior of Young Adolescents
(New Analyses from The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy)

Why Care About Sexual Activity Among Young Adolescents?
Compared to delayed sexual activity, early sexual activity is linked to:
* Greater number of partners
* Increased risk of teen pregnancy
* Increased risk of STDs
* Children of young adolescents are more likely to have health problems.
* 81 % of 12-14 year olds who have had sex wish they had waited.
* Parenting skills of very young teens are highly limited.

14 and Under Major Findings

Parents
* Parents are usually unaware their young children have had sex.
* Only one-third of parents of sexually experienced 14-year-olds believe that their child had had sex.
* Parents say they talk to their children “a moderate amount” about sex.
* Young adolescents report far fewer conversations.
* Parents are most likely to discuss STDs and least likely to discuss the social consequences of sex.

• Parents should be concerned about young teenagers dating, particularly dating someone much older.
• Parents should know where their children are, what they are doing, and with whom.
• Parents should communicate more with their young adolescents about sex, love, and relationships.
• Teaching middle school youth about how to resist and manage sexual pressure is appropriate.

Sexual Experience
* Approximately one in five adolescents has had sexual intercourse before his or her 15th birthday.
* Boys 14 and younger are slightly more likely to have had sex than girls the same age.

Frequency of Sex
* Sex is sporadic.
* Most of those age 14 and younger who have had sex are not currently sexually active.
* For example, approximately half of sexually experienced 14-year-olds have had sex 0-2 times in the past years.14 & Younger: Major FindingsPregnancy
* Approximately one in seven sexually experienced 14-year-old girls reports having been pregnant.

Pressure
*About one in ten girls who first have sex before age 15 describe it as non-voluntary.
*Many more describe it as relatively unwanted.
* Younger teen girls who are sexually experienced are more likely than older teens to say they “wish they’d waited.”

Number of Partners
* Girls who first had sex at age 14 or younger had more sexual partners as a teenager, on average, than girls who first had sex at age 15 or older.
* Increased number of partners increases the risk of STDs and pregnancy.

Opportunity
* Young teens seem to have the opportunity to have sex.
* One small area data set indicates that one-third of 12-year-olds and about half of 14-year-olds have been at a party without any adults in the house.

Dating
* About half of those age 12-14 report having been on a date or having a romantic relationship in the past 18 months.
* Among those 14 and younger reporting a romantic relationship, about a quarter are with someone two or more years older---girls far more than boys.
* Relationships with a partner who is older by two or more years—compared with those with someone only slightly older, the same age, or younger---are much more likely to include sexual intercourse.

Other Risky Behaviors
* Sexually experienced teens were more likely than virgins to engage in other risky behaviors, such as smoking, illegal drugs, and drinking once a week or more.
* For example, 43% of sexually experienced teens said they had tried marijuana, compared with 10 % of virgins.

Student Ministry is Family Ministry

I am excited about this new blog. I am new to blogging and I am starting two in the same week. This site will be specifically to provide support for our new Parent-Teen Minstry at Life Connection Church. I have learned the hard way that to best disciple Middle and High School students is to co-nurture along side their parents. Surveys continue to report that parents have the greatest influence on their children. I want to help parents be better parents. As a parent of two grown adults myself, I bring to the table experiences that the average youth minister does not have.

Our PTC ministry is a work in progress. We will meet once a month, set up discussion groups, and life groups and develop other large group teaching events which will probably include some weekend conferences.

On this site we will have links to written materials, I will review and report on books and articles written by experts in the field, and make parents and teens aware of the many tools that are available that will give them more confidence in their parenting.

As we develop this ministry, your input as a parent and a teen will help us make this the best resource it can be.

My other site is "Through his Eyes". It's main purpose is to encourage others to be apprentices of Christ as I work daily to see the world through His eyes and comment on what ever comes down the road. It will be more of a "journal thinking while I write tool" that will help me develop my thinking and creative skills as a Pastor and a teacher and allow me to pass on what I learn.

E-ministry is fastly becoming the ministry of the now and of the future.

I am looking forward to the ride.

Serving You In Him
Royal